I remember the exact moment that my life imploded. Coming home and finding the loves of my life lying there, and they were no more.
As you can imagine, I was breathless, confused and dazed beyond belief. Crazy as it was, there was also an unusual and uneasy calm, but everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING was askew.
I'm sure that somewhere you've seen a landslide, or a volcano erupt violently. Well that was me on the inside. If I could have reached through death's door, I would snatch them back, pick up where we left off only hours before, and find my chaotic peace again. Only, this is reality, and for all of my tears, and all of my uncharacteristic yelling, I would never be able to find that door, I'd never be able to spin the earth in reverse until we appeared at the day before. Like it or not, I had to find a way to my feet, put one foot in front of the other, and go headlong and helpless into the night.
In what seemed like a matter of minutes, Police, TV media, neighbors and friends all appeared, next thing, I'm standing in the middle of the street as the people I loved emerged from our home in bags. The only thing I could do was scream their names.
People can tell you put on your big boy pants, suck it up, or just deal with it, but this was the person who made me feel safe throughout our entire marriage. The relationship that I had with my own children from a previous marriage was non existent, until Vickie changed all of that. She made me the man that I am.
Here I am nearly five years later, and I think that Vickie would be proud of my resilience, but truth be told, I hurt, I'm lonely, I miss my former life. At the same time though, I have to be glad, because Vickie and Marty are finally at peace. The very peace they sought from their ailments. It's all confusing, because you wonder with one more day, could there have been a different outcome.
Life is what it is, and we live on this earth, and try making sense of our time on it. But, there are times when no matter what we do, there is just no explanation, and it is in those times when we wake and realize that, Geez, this is the day my earth caved in.
I want to say that time makes the pain easier, I want to say that one day you awaken and you feel different, but that would be untrue. You learn to manipulate your pain, you learn to move through your sorrow, but this is much different from a broken bone or a cut. This hurt smarts for life; what you do learn is that truly, life is fleeting, and your time in this life is best served realizing that no matter what, you and everyone has worth.
That worthiness is determined by you and you alone. When you are in physical pain, or emotional distress, having nowhere to turn for comfort or respite can make every shadow appear more pronounced.
None the less, you must feel your hurt, and, you must find a way to come to your center, before your earth caves inkm.
I try everyday to move on, to continue my journey, and take steps toward my truth. My fight now is for Vickie and Marty. I use my hurt to show others, how not to. I look at life with reverence, I look to humanity with love, and I do my best to show all that they're worthy, as I walk gingerly through this mystery called life.
I never forget that this life has meaning, because I vividly remember the day my earth caved in.