I could write a book about this trip, but I will try to keep it to the high points. My hubby and I went for 8 days during the first week of September and I had many doubts about going as we prepared. Two many changes, both inside and out - we were worried about the children, and it was hard for me to not know what was going on with them - I needed to know everything was ok. We were worried about their financial needs and we felt somewhat guilty about spending money for a trip that seemed so trivial in comparison to what had happened. We had also started supporting my father who was having difficulties making ends meet after having an auto accident that left him unable to continue to work – he had his own business. We felt guilt over him as well, but was unsure the extent of his problem at that time. We felt very strange about spending any money on ourselves. There was absolutely nothing that could be bought that would make anyone feel better. We stopped shopping altogether – it all seemed so self indulgent. There was an underlying feeling of knowing that my Amber must have been so desperate to have ended her life—that desperation continued to control my mind. (I know that there were other causes now). We were worried about my Dad also, as he was feeling very desperate about meeting his financial obligations since his accident.
I certainly was glad to be away from the stress of work and THE SILENCE that surrounded although I knew I would work from the hotel each day at an attempt to keep the office flowing. The silence was coming from everywhere and I was on the internet still researching suicide and prevention, and trying to find information about the survivors of suicide loss. I continued to wonder if what I was feeling was “normal”. I just wish I had someone to talk to-a girlfriend-a family member-a pastor—someone besides my hubby who was carrying his own pain. I also was not talking to God right then or since the funeral-I wasn’t sure what to say, although I knew that he knew I was broken. I tried to reason it all out just like I hear about every other person trying to figure out why, why, why.
I knew why, I had always known why, I had always known that she would take her life, she was a lost soul…..That makes me very sad to say-I miss her very much. I can remember telling hubby one day many years ago that if she could just make it to see 30 she might survive-if she just had time to mature into adult life. She needed to take medicines and refused them and would not keep Doctor Appointments no matter how many you made. Her relationships were volatile, with both boys and girls. She never seemed to latch onto the spiritual guidance that was given her-she was a gifted student in school with ADD/ADHD and at that time most teachers were not familiar with the problem. As she got older in school - jr. high school-she was unable to have any retention of her studies and was wrongly accused of not doing her homework on a few occasions which would enrage her and she would be thrown out of school. I had her do testing at Marshall University which confirmed the diagnosis and then was sent to a counselor & psychiatrist. She did take the Ritalin drug for a short time and it seemed to work, but she would not take it while at school and the school would not help. Most of the time she simply could not remember to take them. The Dr switched her to Prozac which she said made her feel weird and she hated them. She also was not helpful in counseling with licensed counselor or with pastoral counseling – she simply refused to talk.
The first attempt on her life was in 1993 when she took an overdose and my stepdaughter found her lying in bathroom floor and we called ambulance which led her to be put into River Park Hospital where she did very well. That all changed when she got home………….Enough about her history for now. I can only go through it so much at a time.
In the end we went to San Juan, trying to put on our happy tourist faces for the trip. We love to travel-I love it more than hubby as he has to travel all the time with his job, but I was in such a weakened state that it almost felt like work to go. I was tired and worn out and just the thoughts of packing and traveling seemed overwhelming, but off we went………