Looking back I can say wholeheartedly that the best thing I did for myself was getting with a grief counselor on a regular basis. As the months went by I realized just how fragile I had become-especially at work. The anxiety would stay from leaving till coming back the next day and starting all over again. I started keeping a journal in Jan '09 to try and pin-point the cause of all the anxiety. Now I know that seems just crazy now, but at the time I thought I was or should be doing ok. I realized that I had lost all my friends where I lived and worked, but I had rekindled a couple of friendships from my hometown. I had taken steps towards my healing process-I am a strong person-soooo what is wrong with me?? As I read back through this time
period in my journal I see that I really was a mess over many things; work was top of the list, I was still arguing with my Dad a lot of the time over trying to help him with his finances and have begun taking over his bills and setting him up with a weekly allowance on a debit card, and I was still very hurt over many things revolving the “friends” I thought I had before the funeral. I am reading in my journal about the things going on at work and I can’t believe that I put up with my boss’s behavior-he was every bit a bully. I could not stand anymore CHANGE-that was the whole problem in a nutshell! I had not adjusted to losing my daughter and
friends, or my self respect. I felt like someone had kicked the life out of me-I was sick at my stomach a lot of the time, tired, anxious, restless and I was not sleeping well. I have many dreams written down about Amber during this time-one of which she told me that it was much harder for her to leave than she thought it would be…….I thought the physical symptoms must be from something other than grief-I did not understand the amount of time that I would carry this deep never-ending pain within me - that I Now know will never go away. I continued to go through this routine of praying to get through work, being upset about work every evening when I left and then going home to an empty house and calling Dad to try and help him feel better about his situation. I was not in the mood to be anyone’s “cheerleader”, but I was very worried about him.
I was still worrying over the kids a lot and wanted to be there as much as possible. My granddaughter was acting out and was just not nice to me and she was a great concern always. My daughter just holds it all in and acts like everything is just fine. Love her heart I feel her pain, but she will not let me help her. She has to miss her sister just as much as I miss my daughter and my granddaughter misses her mother—it just makes a mother sick.
If there is any advice that I would give to anyone new to this grief process it would be to seek professional help. Talk to your clergy, your doctor-take care of yourself and find away to talk about your missing loved one. Finding other survivors was very important in helping me to regain my strength-it allowed me to discuss that awful day with people who were interested and understanding. Personally I know that my personal relationship with God gets me through one day at a time…..More to come.