Yesterday I was filled with clarity, energy, and knew the purpose of the path. This morning I awake to chaos....my integrity questioned...my motives with our ministry, etc. It went on and on and was one of those moments when you STOP and say "No Coincidences"!
You begin to question everything.....the fear rises, the guilt before you can even think if there is something you have done Wrong..it was like the letter I wrote last night about those first day weeks after our loss. Not to compare the pain---not the same...but the fear rises so quickly. Why fear...I think it's of not wanting to hurt anyone firstly and then secondly those old fears of needing to please.
It is conditioned in those of us who may have come from a background of abuse of some sort. It is the idea that if you please everyone that some how there will be no fighting, that everyone would be OK....of course it never really worked..Just trying to control something that was out of control. And then these tragedies.....talk about Out of Control.
The anxiety I grew up with I thought was normal, that everyone had it. I know that isn't true now. I would not have known until Amber died and the panic attacks took over my life and I finally resolved myself to taking meds for it. And then suddenly there it was a moment without that awful gnawing feeling of being out of control....my skin wasn't crawling, my stomach had settled, noises were not sending me to the moon.....wow....
I discovered a time without anxiety and then I just wanted more of it....God supplied the rest..Literally the rest. It was the restful state of mind, of spirit that came and took my fear....oh what a glorious day.
This morning I could have lost control and went into a tail spin, but I knew immediately that God needed me to know something....
I still had to calm myself...but peace reined finally, and message delivered....I took the time to "listen".