The holidays are done, and I have to admit that I am glad to have them behind me for awhile. I have now until May before I have to deal with a string of memorable dates of sadness.
I am still not feeling well as far as my anxiety, hormones, or whatever it is. All I know is that try as I might I can not go into work each day without me leaving as a miserable human being. I wake up in the morning praying, I pray on my way to work, I pray at the back door before entering, I have a prayer taped down on my desk at work, and I have a plaque behind my desk that reminds me to count my blessings. Of course I pray hard to understand what it is I am supposed to be doing, because this could not be the plan for the rest of my life. I feel that I am bullied daily at work and the negative energy sucks the life out of me. I leave there exhausted, and all I can do is sit and try to get it off my mind each evening as I am trying to handle my grief. I talk to my grief counselor about this every time I see her which is every 2 weeks now. I feel like she is really trying to help me survive work!
Things are so complicated financially after a suicide also. For me - I felt that we should pick up the financial responsibility of Amber's children since she was not here to take care of them..Chuck agreed with me. This made my job so much more important in my mind..that I needed it for the kids.
There were other things also that I couldn't seem to comprehend - like why my boss was able to get to me so much. My counselor explained that partly I was having post traumatic stress from past traumas that had resurfaced after Amber's death and my boss was triggering it daily. I could be a poster child for many traumas in my life and at my age I had learned along time ago to let go of all that old stuff....it was my past, not my future. I thought all that old stuff was buried long ago....this was very complicated and hard to understand, but when I started writing down things that would trigger my feelings of being out of control it was always caused by my boss and the way he talked down to me, or screamed at me. He was very aggressive and inappropriate around me and the younger employees. I found it maddening as I was the manager and felt like I had lost all my power to do my job effectively. I still tried to teach "teamwork" in spite of how I felt, but it was not in me anymore....I wasn't sure what was. Chuck and I decided months back that we needed to prepare for me leaving the job as it was affecting my health so much, so I pushed myself on to stay on our goal of saving money, paying bills and getting ready for that day when I could not take it anymore!
My counselor had for the last year talked to me about many things and helped me to sort through many issues - past and present. One of which was me not finishing college and my desire to get a degree. She encouraged me for quite some time, but I did not feel that I was smart enough..no wonder with the bully I spent the day with! I surprised her and my husband when I applied to the Regents Bachelor of Arts program at WVU and was accepted. I was shocked at myself. I started taking online classes in January and it proved to be difficult - especially with not feeling well. I would come home so exhausted from work that it was hard to concentrate on school work. But after the first few A's I really believed I could do it.
Over the next few months I felt worse, but continued to go to work and take my classes. I started going for medical testing as I thought something more was wrong with me besides my hormones. I went to several Dr's took many tests and was told at each one of them that I was having anxiety "it isn't any wonder after what has happened". It made me crazy to keep hearing that...I am doing just fine..it is not anxiety,....I'm going to work everyday, doing great in school, I was handling my grief....what was the problem??? IT COULDN'T BE ANXIETY!!!!!! I was told that I needed anxiety medicine and of course I refused several times, but things were getting worse........
In March 2010, I was nearly non functional a couple of days after several brow beatings from my boss and I had to take off work sick for a couple of days. I had hoped it would only be one, but the next day I felt just as bad as the day before..I was very confused about how I was feeling and really felt that my hormones where making me a little nuts. The day before I was to return to work again I called my boss (the office was closed this day) to discuss with him my illness. He was on the golf course, by himself. I told him that I would be returning for work the following day, but I was still not feeling well. I told him that I had a follow up visit to the Dr on Friday to get test results and hoped that I would find out some results then. He kindly said you should follow up..that's the right thing to do and then he said......"when you come in the morning we need to talk"..............I said what are you doing now..nothing he said I'm alone standing on the golf course. I said than tell me what we need to talk about...He says "well we've been talking and we have some things we need to discuss".......I said "who's we"? "Me and the Girls" he said. Well needless to say I was not happy about this.....I said "why would you talk to the employees about me...this will undermine my authority with them..this has nothing to do with them"...he says "I want the girls to be happy and there are some things that we feel need to change"..I ask what...he wouldn't say much, but he did say .."they never know what kinda mood you are gonna be in when you come to work in the mornings", "you need to quit wearing your heart on your sleeve", "I am too emotional"........I reminded him that I had just lost my daughter, and I was seeking medical treatment, and seeing a grief counselor, and I had taken care of all my responsibilities at work and over the last 10 years I had done an excellent job at tripling his business with no complaints. He said " I have no complaints about your work-you have done a great job for me, but there are some things that have to change"......Well I LOST IT!!!! I just could not believe what I was hearing..I was doing a great job, but I was emotional......are you kidding me..it was all I could do to get through work daily....
I told him I would meet him the next morning, and I hung up the phone and called Chuck and told him about the call. He and I knew that it was time. I drove straight to the office an cleaned out my desk. I called my boss in the car and told him that I was on my way to his house-do you want your keys in the mailbox or the door..he said just drop them in the mailbox. He started to say I'm sorry...but I interrupted him and said are you going to give me my unemployment and he said of course-why wouldn't I? "Just making sure" I said and "that's all I wanted to know" and I hung up.