May is National Mental Health Awareness Month
Boy, oh boy, I am missing that girl of mine. The years passing, as they do, mean little on these very important dates throughout the year. The questions left behind are different then when I was in my fog state that first year. My questions are more about the "what if's". If you had been here on this day and that day, if you had lived long enough to experience this or that... so many things in your life that you missed. I think about her children and the moments of joy she has missed and how proud she would be of them. I think of Amber and her sister, and how she has missed meeting her nephew. Endless amount of thoughts about her and the what if's. I realize that thinking about them does not help in any way, but I think it is a normal process to someone losing a loved one, and especially to suicide.
I say that because there is always this thought that if she could have held on a little longer to experience these things, could they have made a difference? Would the outcome have been different? I then have to remind myself that as much as I miss her, I do know she is at peace now. She could not find it while here, and it was of no fault to the many who adore her.
I am glad she found what she was searching for, it helps to know that she is at peace. That is significant to our grieving process and our ability to find the courage to keep moving when we feel like shutting down.
Knowing she found her peace does not remove the feelings of loss and love I have for Amber. I have thought about what she might look like now, it has been 7 years... Of course I will never see her as old, she will always be young and beautiful, sad and vibrant. For everything she felt there was a polar opposite... it was part of the illness that eventually took her life.
I want to share a little story with you about a song... I just heard it last night for the third time in 3 weeks on television...
I first heard this version of Somewhere over the Rainbow by Jason Castro on American Idol April 8, 2008, and it touched me in such a deep and sad way. I was completely taken aback at my reaction to this song, but the feelings were undeniable. I downloaded the song from Itunes and then I made it a ring tone for my phone. Seemed a little obsessed-right? Well, it kinda felt that way also... the next day I went into work telling my friend about this song, and how deeply it affected me. I felt determined to get to the bottom of it - it was like an unsolved mystery. I could not remember anything special about this song... perhaps it was attached to a repressed memory?
It seems pretty insane to even be telling this story on one hand, but it is real and I have come to learn since Amber's passing that there are "no coincidences".
That song continued to haunt me and on May 12, 2008 I heard that song on my ringtone when that horrible call came through about Amber. This song continues, even now, 7 years later, to bring tears to my eyes and I still find it haunting. I have yet to figure out why? Why this song? I read the lyrics and I can see that we are talking about this place where all your troubles are behind you... a place of peace, a place where dreams can come true. And there it is... the answer, maybe?
"Over The Rainbow"
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?
Missing you always, Mom
What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
- Helen Keller